HeartLines

When I was a freshman in highschool I wrote myself a letter to open four years later. My senior year I opened the envelope feeling like so much had changed… without anything really changing at all. I was older, and I’d be graduating soon. But I felt the same. I had the same friends and the same teammates. The same home and the same love. I always felt h a p p y even if days were bad. But after I opened the letter in January of 2020, It felt like everything was changing. If I could write a second letter for my past self, I would apologize. For the things she had to go through. And the things she still carries with her. ______________________________________________________________________I’m so sorry, That you have to leave school like this. A pandemic that’s killing. It feels wrong to feel sad. About having to leave school. Something most kids would beg for. But it feels unfair to leave like this. Without a graduation, A Real One. Not one where you drive by, Isolated from your friends. Only waving to them from a distance… The first time you've seen them in months. A real graduation, With a cap And gown Where everyones smiling, Because they’re actually happy. Where you get to shake your teachers hands And pose for pictures With classmates you won’t see for a while For normal reasons. Not the-world-is-ending-everyone-is-sick-and-sad-isolate-in-your-house reasons. I know your sad, That there is no prom Because you rarely dress up But when you do you feel beautiful And you feel like everyone deserves to see you feeling beautiful. But there is no dress Or dress shopping No corsage Or sleepover afterwards. There’s no senior night. With prizes and gift cards And friends And a photo booth. And a dj to dance to. Just headphones in my bedroom with Frank Ocean. No last band concert. Or golf season. And I’m so sorry. That I made you stay with him, As long as you did. He was so disrespectful. And careless with your feelings. It wasn't a magical first love. It was draining. And made me sick to my stomach. From crying so hard. All the time. And, I’m so sorry. And I know you won’t believe, That you and Emily aren’t friends. It was more her choice. Though I know you won’t reach out to repair it. Please don’t blame yourself. Because needing a friend is nothing to be ashamed about. Needing a friend should be the minimum expectation. I’m so sorry that you were so insecure about your body. Because sometimes it felt like eating was the only thing I seemed to enjoy. And it feels like you’re no longer an athlete. I promise you’ll find a passion soon, Though it feels like everyone knows what they want to do with their future but you. And I know how awkward it is When another family member asks “What are your plans for school?” When you have no idea what to say. I promise you're not disappointing anyone. And I know it feels so discouraging That your parents are paying for a school That you don’t even enjoy being at Because you haven’t made any friends And it feels like you won’t any time soon Because everyone seems so different than they do from home. They party And drink so much While you lay in your bed, Because you don’t want to get anyone sick. Especially your family Because you go home every weekend. You’ll cry at night, hoping your roommates don’t hear your sniffles. Or your mom won’t see all the tissues in the trash. And you’ll wake up at noon wishing you slept longer. And Adam’s a good friend for a while. He hates Kyle. And disagrees with Emily. You guys make eachother laugh. And then you’ll kiss a few times. But you'll still just be friends. Until he gets a girlfriend. And you can’t talk anymore. And all your other friends from home are busy. Abi’s making new friends and studying to be an OT. Morgan’s in the military so she’s stationed in Turkey. And Emily just doesn’t want to talk. I’m so sorry you felt like you had no one to talk to. But I know how you're feeling. That the world is crashing in On one that you once knew. ______________________________________________________________________But I’m so proud of you.

For making new friends, even if it’s only a few good ones.

Forcing yourself to travel out of the country, even though being without 
your family on another continent seems wrong.

And I’m proud of you

For allowing yourself to be loved again And to love again.

I appreciate you taking care of me.

For showering and brushing my teeth

For doing my homework. wYou’ll become a Division I athlete, without even anticipating to be.

You’ll learn about things you care about

And your professors will give you opportunities

Like traveling to Portugal, 

Or offering internships For being a good student and using my mind for good. 

I’m so proud of you.