Sometimes I feel like you don’t tell me you f*** with me enough
‘Cause the whole time, you were giving away what should have been my love
– H.E.R.
I was born to a woman who was more concerned about a man than her kids. At the age of 14, I was pawned off to a different set of parents to care for me. Supposedly this was a blessing.
We had food, we had water, and a home so it technically wasn’t neglect. Soon, I realized they took me in, so they could continue to live their lives. They didn’t want kids, but now they ironically had two. Me and you. We cooked. We cleaned. We did our homework together.
At the age of 14, I was a mother to a child I didn’t bear.
This child didn’t grow from a clump of my cells fused with a lover. I didn’t get the opportunity to hold her close for 9 months. I didn’t get to feel the flutter of the first kick. I didn’t bear the stretch marks or a cesarean scar. And yet, you were mine. You were my blessing.
To Love it or Will it, either way, it’s a work of God.
I was just there to make sure you lived to see tomorrow. I fed you too many ramen noodles. But, I made sure you took all of your medication. I timed the four hours between nebulizer treatments perfectly. Because all I knew was you needed to breathe to live. And I was adamant about making sure that you lived.
The H.E.R. song “Closer to Us” is about lovers trying to look beyond flaws and only see love. But what is love? Is it this deeply rooted feeling of affection, showing great interest in something, or is it a range of emotional states linked to virtues and simple pleasures? Has anyone ever truly experienced love? The ultimate point in “Closer to Us” was becoming closer to yourself to love someone else.
If you love me if you’re in love
Oh, I deserve that, I wanna love
Yeah, I deserve that, that kinda love
In most Disney movies, a prince comes and ‘sweeps someone off of their feet’, Is that love? Or is it the ‘knight in shining armor’ that protects you in times of danger? Could it be the person who supports you financially and mentally? Or maybe the person who worships everything you hate about your body. Like the stretch marks that line your sides and the birthmark on your left pinky finger.
Your favorite movie was The Princess and the Frog. I thought you loved it because the ‘princess’ was supposed to save the ‘prince’ in this one. But I doubt that. Honestly, I think you loved that movie because you were so much like Princess Tiana. You somehow found a way to make something light out of the dark.
Remember the time the earth was shaking under our feet? The power flickered out. The wind was too strong. It forced the trees to kneel to the clouds. I expected you to cry. My heart was beating so fast, I was certain I would collapse. Buried with the rubble of the rest of the world.
Lay here, don’t leave me
Oh, I was hoping we could be closer
Just hold me when it’s shaky
Say you still need me
You were my mother at this moment. We played Monopoly in the dark for hours. You made sure to sit close enough so we could hold hands. Somehow your sticky kid fingers brought me comfort. Brought me a warmth that I had never before felt, but always longed for. This moment was a blessing.
Been inconsistent for a minute
Just listen for a moment
I had your love, but it was never enough. Our love was innocent. It lived in the glint of admiration in your eyes. But despite your light, I was lost. When I felt worthless, when I felt like I didn’t belong, I’d look into those bright hazel eyes. Your happiness had become my happiness. You needed me, so I stayed. I bore the dark. If not for me then for you.
I often revert to the memory of your light. I might have taken your admiration for granted when we were younger, but I know the significance now. I was riddled with insecurities and imperfections. I was unwanted and abandoned by everyone around me. Everyone who was supposed to love me. But that little yellow girl looked up to me and saw someone worth loving. Those eyes were a blessing.
Nana used to say that someone’s eyes were the key to their soul. You could see everything you needed to know about a person in their eyes. Take a minute and look. Nana was always good at that. Looking I mean. She could spot a person with a heart of gold from a mile away. I never fully understood how she did that. Or what any of it meant. Maybe I’d have noticed that his eyes weren’t nearly as bright and hopeful as yours. Maybe I’d have noticed that his eyes were dark, eerie, and angry. I should have seen it. I should have picked up on the signs. I should have known better.
For many years, your eyes were like my lighthouse. Brightly guiding me. Watching me. So when I left, when I moved to the South, I got lost. Without your eyes, I had nothing. I barely even had myself. For a while, I would use my body to feel loved. I figured, sharing myself with another person would give me at least a little piece of love. But it didn’t. This should have been my awakening.
But it wasn’t…
He was persistent. I had no clue who the hell he was. But, he sounded appealing because he ‘cared’. He paid attention to me. He always wanted to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. He was protective. So he must have cared, right? I had yearned so badly for a knight in shining armor. I thought I finally found him. That semester, he was my blessing.
No matter how empty his smile, how nonchalant his actions around others, I felt like he saw me. At least more than anyone else. He noticed how I would stare off into space when I was thinking or how I would pucker my lips when I concentrated. He noticed all the love I had to overcome. He noticed the little things about me that were often invisible. And I liked that…
It wasn’t until I had told him about the two red lines on a pregnancy test that I saw the real monster in him. Or maybe it wasn’t until he muttered the words, ‘Go get an abortion’. I felt he had my best interest at heart. Neither of us was ready for a child. So I listened.
And I felt emptier than ever.
The smell of bleach lingered in the air. I held the nurse’s latex-covered hand. But it brought me no comfort, her hand was ice cold, and it wasn’t sticky like yours. I remembered laying there on the cold examination table while the doctors removed what was supposedly just a clump of cells from my body. I was alone. I remember repeating that this was a good thing. I could continue school and continue living my life. We wouldn’t have to worry about a child taking up our time. I allowed two tears to stream down my cheeks. No matter how many lies I fed myself in that moment, deep down I knew the truth. But it was too late to do anything. My silence was a curse.
Even the mere memory of those hazel eyes couldn’t pull me out of this funk. I killed the one thing that might have loved me unconditionally despite all of my flaws. I allowed him to talk me into this. When I brought up how I felt, I still had hope for him and me. But the sting that was left on my cheek should have warned me. It should have been a wake-up call. But it wasn’t.
When she called me later that night, her bright eyes were infuriating. There is no hope in life. So that glow in her eyes, and the happiness of her voice pushed me further into a depression. I should have gravitated toward her light. Like I had done in the past. But I didn’t. And that was my fault. At that moment, I was her curse.
My mahogany skin wasn’t nearly dark enough to hide the black and blue splotches, he left, on my skin. The burn mark on my chest, which was now bright pink, was clear and on display. If he loved me, then why are there bruises on my body? If he loved me, why is he yelling in my face? If he loved me, why is he hurting me? This should have been my wake-up call. This should have been the start of me getting to my blessing. But it wasn’t.
He told me this was love, so I had to believe him. I swore this was love because never had I once remembered what love actually was.
If I was in the right frame of mind, I could have snapped myself out of it. Love was the three dogs waiting for you on the other side of the door on Harbor Ave. Love was the glow in my little sister’s eyes when she saw me. Love was when they took me in, instead of letting me go into the foster system. These were my real blessings. I just wish I could have realized sooner.
Years later, trapped in an apartment surrounded by two screaming kids and absolute loneliness. I’ve been stolen from my family and friends. I’ve been stolen from you. I’ve been forced to believe that this is something I wanted. But is it really what I want? I wanted to believe that this is a blessing.
I’ve loved it, I’ve willed it, but I’m not sure if this is a will of God.
I can’t worry and trust you, baby
I invested too much
I’ve been healing, don’t rush it, babe
Can we make up
You’re graduating from High school this year. Even though we haven’t spoken in a while, you hoped I’d be there.
Your eyes eagerly scanned the crowd. You were yearning. You were fighting. Was it for me? I doubt that. You hate me. You wouldn’t dare want me here.
I’m sure in your head, you were screaming at me, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you” It was all my fault. I left. I neglected to come back. Why didn’t I come back? I didn’t know myself. I guess, I never felt like I belonged.
I couldn’t bring myself to show up at the High School on June 14, 2021. I had convinced myself that you no longer needed me. I had convinced myself that you no longer cared. So no, I didn’t show up. Instead, I watched you walk across the stage from the phone screen in my small apartment. Your niece and nephew whom you’ve never met, were screaming in the background. Although you didn’t know them, I made sure to tell them all about you.
They needed to know that if something ever happened to me, their auntie would always be there for them. And her heart was big enough to love anything. She would welcome you with a big smile and wide arms. She would accept every piece of you. With no judgment at all.
I just wish I could have realized that sooner. Maybe things could be different.
Hoping we can be better for us
